I have been broken in every way possible as I have considered, executed and reconsidered my own demise. These repetitive breakdowns and breakthroughs have made me come in contact with the wounds of scarcity at the core of my being, and made visible the framework that sustains them.
These core wounds, informing inherent scarcity, became visible in my sensing, seeking and urge for meaning making after the breakdowns. The breakthroughs came when I clearly saw and understood how the wounds informed the core idea of self, and how the wounds had hardwired the architecture of this thinking and feeling body / mind.
As the body and mind interpreted these wounds, it informed the evolution and birthed the concept and idea of a separate ‘self.’ The following is an attempt to speak with clarity to the process of breakdown, breakthrough and integration into the rawness of life itself.
The breakdowns are essential steps to breakthroughs. This dissonance at the core of existence offered a clear window into my own scarcity. This clear view only became visible through observing and noticing the continuous impressions of feeling inadequate, insufficient, un-loveable, un-worthy, un-wanted and unseen.
These wounds, at my core, activated my pain body and screamed loudly back at me. They overwhelmed every one of my senses as I was unable to care for my children after separation.
In my insular life, as a parent, I was blindsided by the control and the punishment. I was financially and emotionally effectively cut off from access to meaningful participation, support and communion, through cleverness and deception.
In the process, the following is what I discovered:
When the wounds become visible in the body /mind connection the compounded pain effectively paralysis effective engagement and constructive action. The core disassociation, created by the repeated impressions informed by the wounds themselves, forms and creates the feeling and ideas we have about our selves. This negative pain body ‘inflamed’ creates sadness, anxiety, depression and suffering.
This sadness, anxiety, depression and suffering are the visible symptoms that the natural access to our creative sustainable flow has been effectively blocked by infinite impressions informed by the core wounds themselves.
FEELING AND THINKING IN SCARCITY
When we are feeling and thinking we are inadequate, insufficient, un-loveable, un-worthy, unwanted and unseen, we have immediate access to deepest sensory impressions of scarcity. When we are feeling these impressions, they overwhelm our sensory uptake, and become ‘the paramount distraction’ absorbing all of our attention, to the exclusion of everything else.
We can feel, think and identify with these intense painful sensations, but they are not the truth of who we are, and what we are.
When you are simply resting your attention and allowing yourself to receive and fully enjoy your sensory uptake, without identifying and analyzing for meaning, you and the space become one space in which life is simply arising effortlessly and inclusive of all things.
In this space, thinking and feeling simply arise. In this space the thinking and feeling mechanism is seen as infinite programs seeking for meaning, understanding, certainty and clarity.
Your attention shifts from being reactive to the programming to simply becoming responsive in clear seeing of the habituated programs that may arise within your awareness.
PRACTICES OF SCARCITY
When we are living scarcity unseen, we are simply trying to prove to ourselves, and others, that we are enough and that we are safe. The scarcity, at our core, inherently drives the seeking and urge to prove ourselves to ourselves.
To prove, that life as it is, in us, is adequate, sufficient, loveable, worthy, wanted, seen and safe. The habituated thinking and feeling mind is looking for perceived desired patterns to predict for certainty, for safe passage and outcome, in ourselves and others.
When the habituated impulses and urges drive us, and remain unseen, the seeker in us is consistently trying to reach and satisfy a conceptual idea of wholeness. A conceptual idea of wholeness, visible in the collective stories that the thinking and feeling mind desire, to prove, to ourselves and others, that we are enough and that life is safe..
RESPONSIVENESS INFORM TRUE RESPONSIBILITY
In this process of proving our wholeness, the thinking and feeling mind, informed by many stories of desires and success, charts a path for us. The path is focused on responsibility to a desired outcome.
In the process we prostitute our life currency, as we have forgotten to be ultimately responsive to life arising. We are focused on a desired outcome, not life itself arising, in us.
To become integrated we must learn to attune to the totality of our being, and become responsive to all our sensory intelligence as we attune and align to our individual giftedness, purpose and passion.
The unseen individual and collective scarcity, at the core, condone and rewarded practice of usury in ourselves and others (nature) as we are seeking to satisfy our desire to be special, unique and enough, through living from inflexible, projected and desired outcomes
We abuse ourselves by metalizing, analyzing and rationalizing for meaning, certainty and outcome.
This inherent platform of innate ‘scarcity’ informs our stories, exchange systems, and feeds our collective stuckness! We are not able to see this effectively, as we are attempting to solve the challenges from reasoning that is flawed!
RESPONSIVE TO THE BODY / MIND UNIQUENESS
As an individual, you and I, must embrace and become deeply responsive to the uniqueness, giftedness and expression, in our body / mind, as an offering to the world, and divorce ourselves from the desire to any specific outcome. The collective river of life will be receptive to what it has a readiness for, nothing else.
The world of the future will create a collective stewardship of ‘passion & purpose.’ To birth a culture of passion and purpose (and not scarcity) is only possible when we are supported in our passion and purpose by the family and the village. If the family and the village can not act & value cohesively and consistently the gifts we offer (or if family and village are non existent) then the gifts we offer have no room to seed, grow and become the sustainable fire for change there.
We can keep the embers burning in our heart for our passion and purpose, but all giftedness must be nurtured individually and collectively. It takes a village (or a financial budget) to affirm, recognize and publicize the inherent talent and ‘skill matrix visible’ in our other.
It is really simple: What is nurtured in a culture grows there and become a fire. Life is ‘simply not’ a personal journey!
LIFE UN-EDITED IS LIFE UNWRITTEN
When we are living our giftedness in passionate purpose, we are surfing the wave of life unwritten in us. We are standing free and clear in life arising, being deeply responsive to the possibilities and the choices being offered us.
To do this we have to become attuned, aligned and responsive to the raw life currency in us. It this passionate flow, where hope and hopelessness is non-existent, the outcome is an ongoing discovery. Here in this space, in us, we come alive to the precious giftedness of life itself in ourselves and others. Tenderness, kindness and compassion arises as life itself discover that what we feared was life itself; the rawness, the random, the uncertain, and the unknown in ourselves an others.
We discover we are the space in which all life arise, and that life itself, is perfect in us and through us, while being divorced from all outcomes, as we become the space and the content in it!
Life does not seek to become anything, but is only what it is. There is nothing to obtain, nothing to fix, life emerges un-edited, un-written, and enough.